KILL MAY

May 09, 2026

2 months closer to 23, and I keep getting the worst life lessons on priorities and who/what’s supposed to go first. I lost every singular job I had miraculously gotten, I have no “boner” for work, no drive to get a job, or even make money.

It’s so bad I don’t even want to make money.

My grandma (dad side) who's favored me my whole entire life, and was like the best person ever up until the age of 16 (similar to my dad, but this time I feel like the villain) is dying, or so I think.

She would buy a big box of Doritos, our favorite flavor, and we’d just have it for the whole day when I’d spend the day at hers. Which now I’m remembering, I used to spend so much time at her house, she’d be doing chores and I’d be there watching tv. I don’t remember why I’d even be there, my sister wouldn’t be there either. There’s also her red sauce pasta, shit tastes like her house and her.

Then one birthday she bought me this beads and accessories making set, that was like 3rd grade? I LOVED IT. I made a bunch of bracelets and necklaces and sold them at school. Which was like a peak into me liking making accessories which later became “pajama extra 2019” if any of you know or remember.

I don’t know why this like “evil border” grew, but it’s probably her being mean to my mom.

I low-key always knew I’d end up killing myself. like, everyone has a different death in life, some people peacefully go or whatever, others get hit by a car, people ACTUALLY get shot, some overdose, some people’s hearts just stop? I feel like I always knew I’d go that way, I’m just not sure when. When I was 9 I think that was when I fully found out about “suicide” and how if I die young, I won’t have to be judged for my sins and wrongdoings. I had this plan where I’d die before turning 14, then I found out that you start getting “judged” and become accountable when you get your period, which I was late to.

In the cringiest sense possible I feel like I’m in that same 16 year old hole, and I can’t get out, and it keeps getting actually worst by the day(literally), but this time I know that I’m the thing that needs protection and saving out of this, not anyone else. Because everyone fends for themselves, right? I really don’t want to be individualistic, but isn’t that what everyone else is literally doing? Like if we were all actually “people-pleasing” as you hoes claim, wouldn’t everyone care more about each other?

I feel so weird, because I was really young when both grandpas died, and I have never felt like…idk it’s weird with me and death. She’s not even fucking dead???? But like.