The human experience

submissive ahh title

The setting of this entry is specifically childhood home, before basketball practice. Dad’s sleeping again, even though he got up at 6, made coffee and played george wassuf for a few hours. It’s spring, close to summer but in a not-leaving-space-for-jesus kind of way. The air is too good blending in with the sun rays, and farida and I are quiet to not wake mama up.

This might be it. this might finally be it. And it can be the really good, or it could very obviously - which I think so - go horrendously wrong.

Every wrong and harm a person could put upon themselves, I’m doing right now. I don’t think this is experimental anymore. I am feeling things I haven’t felt in years.

I am starting to question the human feeling as a whole, all of the previous historians and melancholic authors, those who have supposedly - and they did! - suffer, the way they express that heaviness, how come I resonate when I’m not dealing with something as worse, knowing it’s self-inflicted as well. I understand we all feel things differently, but come on, like… come on?

Were they also going through silly, little personal “life issues” that are deeply interlinked with severe identity and personality (and the brain a-likes) problems?

It was a lot harder back then though wasn’t it.

But on a bigger scale, or through a wider lens or whatever the fuck, it may be harder in our world now. I understand the actual roughness of the world back then, like if we’re using swords as a comparison, it would’ve been an actual sharpened to the core sword, but in our day and time it’s a bubbly toy sword, that’s soft with mini massage-y thorns that kind of tickle, till they AI generate a personalized poison that genuinely individually targeted fucks everyone differently in the most horrible way ever, probably killing you, idk i don’t particularly care about this sentence anymore.

And like….. FUCK? HAHA ha, what the fuck.

What I’m trying to get at is that harm infliction now is way pettier, and personal than ever, and sure known fact and what not, but it’s the moment this dawns upon you and you realize you’re ALSO a part of this ritual, and you’re inflicting it upon yourself AND others too.

There might be no winning. and this is not me giving up, because I can feel the mania’s rise but it’s not time yet.

My issue is that I haven’t figured everything out, and my issue is that I’m trying to figure EVERYTHING out.

I don’t think we were supposed to know, and I know TRUST I KNOW, how fucking mental this sounds, but we weren’t. I think knowledge is great, but they don’t just “ignorance is bliss” for the fuck of it.

It is the weirdest combination of guilt, multiplied and depression I’ve felt through different points in my life all summed up and the honorary physical issues.

I’m not dumb though, i know exactly what needs to change, but then comes this disgusting human, atleast I think it’s a commonly, the one that endorses my belief of needing to fully go through it, even if i’m sure of it’s consequences and time lapse. You have to suffer, in order to ….. Idk in order to what, but this is exactly where the train parks in my head. why do i need to suffer? like surei’ve done my share of bads and stuff, but i’ve also gotten my “karma” and payback, so why is there still more suffering?

I feel so lost, like 13 kind of lost. And it’s fucked cause at my age, I should know better and I do. Self awareness fucks me once again. (BTW issue here isn’t the lost feeling at all in the way it’s explained, it’s a different kind of loss. It’s how quickly everything I’ve known and studied and fixed about myself and how to deal with it suddenly pixel-breakingly-vanish and now it’s just me? not even a clean slate)

A few days ago, I was ranting (ik yucks and stuff) to one of my coworkers how -and please don’t take this in the way I don’t intend for it to be- i feel like, i wouldn’t say purposeless, but i struggle to find an actual purpose for me, though I could name everybody’s. Now this didn’t make as much sense, if we take my remark into consideration. But i think i’ve talked about this before, “main characterism” thing, i don’t remember what it was that i said and claimed about myself, but “im basically not one in my own life”. Now there’s multiple commentaries on this quote. If you’re an old pj knower, you probably know about the 2 great death trials, failed obviously, but at the time it felt like wait wait maybe i fucking stupid and i should live, which… sure..yes. BUT now, it feels like I’ve changed something by doing those. I have to explain that now..

I got it. my life is completely over. it’s not, but it is. ever since I think there’s been a shift. i’m trying to remember, but it’s been endless cut scenes from then on. i can’t recall a story properly or without feeling like partly I’m making it up and this didn’t happen, or I can’t say I was somewhere for sure unless I have an actual picture (but this part is heavily exaggerated for my sake as a human), it just feels like I get to “live” in very specific moments, where something has to be happening, like camera-rolling worthy happening. I think this is why I zone out terribly when it’s silent time, and I can’t properly recall the previous conversation or fully 100% brain used continue it after, without feeling like a big bullshitter.

I also took note of how quickly i acclimate and familiarize myself with anyone I newly meet. I force comfort and trust. In my life, i’ve never been past the “orientational” stage of anything. ANYTHING. Which makes me question my intimacy, but I’d know, i think, right? but, back to the orientational-thingy, this further proves my delusion and belief of me living inside of my head too much, and it’s not in a selfish way, it’s in the way where I’d think someone I just met and - inside of my head - tried too hard with and forced to like me would be “ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS” 3 hours later. One minute I’m so easy to hate, the next it’s impossible not to like me after a few, unworthy of breath, words of “nice-ness”, not even kindness.

(side thought, instagram may be ruining me, and I think every single thing I’ve taught myself to take the good only from and rid the bad, I’m failing, it’s like I forgot, not even muscle memory can help, i’m embracing all, and as good as i think that is, to be raw and boundaryless or whatever, to be like a baby, un-molded yet, to fully have the fullest human experience, I think I’m doing something irreversible to myself right now.)

Another side thought, I don’t think I’m capable of dependency or independency.

question for another essay, current me, am I working for actual self establishment or is it selfishness and manyaka.